The Red Car

I drove my 2002 white Honda Civic, whom I fondly refer to as Zoe, through the campus’ welcoming black gates. Almost intuitively, I unleashed the company badge from my belt and handed it to the middle-aged African-American man who greets me nearly every afternoon in my new hometown of Bristol, CT. I don’t know the man’s name, but I kind of like it that way.

“You’re all set, Troy. Go right ahead,” he says in his Southern-style accent.

“Thank you, sir. Have a good one my man,” I say with a sincere smile.

The lever lifts, and Zoe and I make our usual left turn into one of my company’s several parking lots. Every day, I reflect on the exchange the nice man and I just shared. If only everyone could treat each other with that kind of respect, the world would be such a happier place.

We arrive at the stop sign and look both ways to make sure none of the company’s seven-thousand employees is crossing the road. The parking lot sits to our left, and we zoom past its first entrance. And the next one. And the next one.

And the next one.

Until finally, we turn left into the last row of the lot. We glide toward the end of the lot as I strap my badge back to my belt, roll up the windows, and turn off the Mumford & Sons emanating from Zoe’s speakers.

Then, I looked up and saw it.

I couldn’t believe it.

I’m not a religious man, but I do understand and appreciate its place in the world. Whether it’s Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, or my personal favorite, Zoroastrianism, or any other religion you can name, one universal truth lay at the core of these different belief systems: we are not in complete control of our own lives.

These different religions require you to place your trust in a higher being, an all-knowing deity who always acts with your best interests in mind. In many cases, our lives are predestined. Your eventual fate is chosen for you from the get-go, and nothing you accomplish in your time on Earth can change that.

Whether you subscribe to the doctrines of predestination isn’t the point. We must all accept things happen that we simply cannot control. For example, you make a quick trip to the market to pick up that olive oil you need to cook dinner tonight. You only have that one item, but you see long lines at every register. And literally every person has an entire cart-load of stuff. You go to the self-checkout machines to find they’re out of commission for the day. Rage fills every fiber of your body, and you mope over to a line and stew in frustration as you await your turn.

Some things are just beyond your control. And you have to accept that.

OK, now back to the story.

The second I saw it, a dozen questions immediately flooded my head. Feelings of bewilderment preceded the anger crawling up my spine.

I’m the only one who ever parks in the last two rows of that lot. And on top of that, I park my car every day in the same spot in the top right corner, the absolute last spot, which provides the farthest walk to my office from that parking lot. Zoe is always all by her lonesome, but she’s O.K. with that.

So what the hell was that coupe red car doing there? That’s MY spot!

Enraged, we pulled in to the spot directly to the left of this traitor, this outsider. Doesn’t its owner know this is Zoe’s home for nine hours every day?

I peered through the window of the car to find any trace of this mystery person’s identity. Nothing. A little emoji pillow sat on the dashboard of the vehicle. I didn’t trust its deceiving smile. I think it was reveling in my sudden misfortune.

I sadly departed from Zoe and made the self-imposed six-minute trek to the office.

When it was time to go home, the red car showed no intentions of leaving anytime soon.

The next day, we pulled in. The red car, probably unaware of the stress it was causing us, sat there again.

This happened every day for the next 10 days.

I’m not even sure if the red car and its owner knew they were engaged in a war, but we certainly did. And we were losing, badly.

Now let’s be real--it would be downright absurd if I were seriously troubled by this for more than two minutes. Zoe and I resigned to our fate and started laughing about it on the third day.. Refusing to believe another person in their right mind would park in isolation like I do every day, I concluded the owner had abandoned its car, at least temporarily. Maybe the person was out of town and wanted his/her car out in the boondocks so he/she could find it easily upon returning. There was nothing I could do about it.

Some things are just beyond your control, and you have to accept that. You’re going to come across hundreds of Red Cars in your life. People will always try to lure you down to the dumps with them--misery loves company, right? Your friend will get promoted over you. Someone will always have bigger muscles or longer eyelashes (that’s what women care about, right?). A world of people will earn more money than you. You just have to accept it and let it roll off your shoulder, put on a smile, and go kick the world’s ass.

Just don’t get locked into staring contests with an emoji pillow. Or refer to your car as a person.

People will think you’re crazy.

Two Roads

This quote hangs on the bulletin board on my room. It comes from my favorite sports radio personality, Colin Cowherd.

"There's only one way to be a model: have really hot parents. Other than that, there's no one route to anything."

I spent the first few months of my new, post-college life stressing out about the future. I'm only guaranteed 18 months at my new job, so I asked myself, "What's going to happen after that? Where will I go? Will I have enough money? What must I do to guarantee a rise up the sports media ladder, whether at ESPN or somewhere else?"

Like always, I knew that if I grinded my a** off, I'd soar above everyone else.

I'm one of the hardest workers you'll ever meet. If I get even the slightest sense that someone outworks me, I ramp it up that much more. I've always been that way. In my first few months at ESPN, my typical shift was 6:00 p.m.-3:00 a.m.. Sometimes I'd come in at 11 in the morning, stay a few hours, leave, take a nap, and come back. Or maybe I'd come in earlier. I set up a bunch of meetings with high-ranking executives, trying to take away any tidbits of knowledge I could that would give me an advantage. Some nights, I stayed well past 3 a.m. I remember a handful of days where I willingly stayed until 7 a.m., drawing weird looks from the morning crew, getting peppered with questions about what I was doing. I remember putting in several 18-hour days early on. I discovered the magical effects of caffeine, and it pushed me through my efforts to make an impression on everyone. No one could outdo me.

As you could expect, that lifestyle took a toll on me. Fast. I was so exhausted I couldn't think. I didn't treat people right. I stopped eating three meals a day and stopped lifting weights. I lost 20 pounds and all of my muscle mass in a very short amount of time, and I still haven't put that weight back on.

I told myself from the get-go I was on an all-out sprint. I moved to freakin' Connecticut for this, and I was going to continue on the fast track and surge past the competition, just like I always had. I always took advanced classes. I always played above my age group in basketball. I graduated college a year early and landed a really good job almost immediately after. Nothing would stop me from reaching my goal of becoming a sports media superstar one day. I didn't know how I'd get there or what exactly I wanted to become, but I knew I'd get there because quite frankly, I had never met a challenge I wasn't up for before.

Here I was, 21 years old, no college debt, making decent money at a dream job for so many people around the country. I remember it like it was yesterday (it was literally, like, seven months ago).

And I was miserable.

I had good days and bad days. I'm an optimist by nature, and I tried talking myself into positivity every day. It worked some days, but I could never sustain it.

But at one point about two months ago, I had a change of heart. All of my extra efforts landed me in some murky waters, which served as a wake-up call for me. I had to make a decision.

I decided to scale way back on my self-imposed w***load. I needed to focus on the things that really mattered.

To put it simply, now I'm putting in my normal 40-50 hours a week, only coming in before my shift starts when it's absolutely necessary. I've determined it's quality over quantity with relationships I'm building. I'm just focusing on my job that specific day, and nothing else. And don't take this the wrong way, I don't want to make it sound like I've stopped caring. No, I definitely care. I'm just dialing down the intensity, going from a sprint to a brisk jog.

When I'm not at the office, I'm filling my time with things I love doing. I like exploring towns and going to parks. I rarely go to the same restaurant twice because I love new experiences. I like talking to new people. I like reading and writing in my journal and this blog.

To all of my peers who have graduated from college within the past few years, my message is simple: You have two paths to go down. Actually, let's call them two roads, because my favorite CT craft beer is called Two Roads. In my 10 months of "adulting," I've already traveled down both, and I know which one I like more.

Road No. 1: You grind and grind and grind. You're determined to move up the corporate ladder as fast as possible. You want to make as much money as you can, because that's what you're supposed to do. That's the American Dream, isn't it? You're going to sacrifice a lot of your time for your job. You're going to forgo experiences and other cool things because "you're busy." You're going to go so hard that you'll drive yourself to misery, and miss out on forging a healthy lifestyle and great relationships. But it's all for the greater good, right? Because one day, it will all be worth it, right? You'll make a boatload of money so you can buy that big house with the granite counter tops you've always wanted. Because that's what you're supposed to want, right?

But, like many adults I've come to meet, you'll eventually dread your job and the life you've created for yourself. All of those material possessions won't fill the gaping voids of discontent in your life.

Let me now propose the less-traveled road.

Road No. 2: You've got a good job. It pays the bills and provides you with security. You like it enough that you look forward to doing it every day. You probably won't rake in as much money as you would if completely dedicated your life to it, but you'll learn to accept that and be O.K. with that. You put in your time and you shut down when you clock out. You stop looking at e-mail and all of the messages that Road No. 1 requires you to look at all the time. And when you're not at the office, you're focusing on the important things. Like, the things that really matter and make us who we are. That's your health, relationships, and personal growth. Your job takes up a big part of your time and it's important, but it doesn't define you.

Whatever it is that you aspire to do with your life, I'm telling you, you don't have to pursue Road No. 1. Like I said in the beginning, there literally is no one route to any job. No one path to success is linear. It's filled with ups and downs. You end up in places you never expect and come across all kinds of challenges and people that will change you forever.  Don't ever lock yourself into that tunnel vision mode like I did for the first few months of my adult life, because you'll miss so much around you.

And no, it doesn't make you lazy if you go down the second road. You go just as hard, but you're more focused. You actually become more productive as a result. You can take the first road and grind as hard as you want. Just know that, when you're 65 years old and sitting atop your boat load of cash, you'll likely look back with regret, wondering what could have been...

Road No. 2 seems like a winner in my eyes. Who's driving down it with me?

Troy Farkas is an aspiring blogger. Please feel free to leave comments below. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram: @TFark04.

Mindset

Today, I want you to remove a word from your vocabulary. Forever. Rip its page out of the dictionary, stomp on it, and then burn it in your fireplace.

It’s a word we all say multiple times every day. We say it so much we don’t even notice it. And the one thing I hadn’t considered until recently was this:

We never say the word with a smile. It’s typically followed by a groan. Or a yawn. Or that emoji with the rolled-over eyes, never an exclamation point.

But yet, we dedicate so much of our lives to that one word. And today, I want you to stop using it.

Say it with me. Because this is the last time I want to ever heard this word leave your lips.

Work.

OK.  Hear me out.

I came across a book recently (Everything That Remains) that suggested we stop saying this word, because it rarely connotes anything but negativity. Let’s be honest. If you’re a camp counselor, lifeguard, lawyer, accountant, or pizza delivery boy, you always roll your eyes when you say you’re going to w***.

If you’re a student, do you really enjoy doing your homew***? Doesn’t w***ing out at the gym seem more like a chore than a leisurely activity?

I eliminated this word from my vocabulary a few weeks ago, and I’ve noticed a profound change on the way I look at things.

For me, my mindset is everything. I’m constantly evaluating it and searching for inspiration so that I can become a bastion of positivity and use that to influence others and brighten up people’s days. When I used to say I was headed to w***, it just created a series of boring, mundane images in my head. And that made me boring.

I’m going to the office. I’m going to sit. I’m going to check e-mail. And then do it again 10 minutes later. I’m going to type. I’m going to consume, not create. And I’ll do this for 8-10 hours until I leave and get ready to do it again the next day. To me, that’s what the w-word represented.

But the game has changed now. Fortunately for me, I earn a paycheck from an amazing company that I’m proud to say I get to go to every day. I’m 22 years old, and my education and experience has landed me at ESPN for the time being. I know that sounds like bragging, but I don’t intend it to be. But how frickin’ cool is that?

“Troy, what are you up to today?”

“Oh, nothing crazy.. I’ll go for a walk, probably listen to a podcast or read a book, check a few things for my job, exercise some more, make an awesome breakfast and dinner, and then I’ll head off to ESPN for the night.”

I answer with something like that now. And it’s made a world of difference in my happiness. Because it reaffirms to me every time how lucky I am to have this job. It doesn’t even feel real when I say it. As I said in my first post, ESPN was never a dream of mine, but I’m still stoked to be here. And I remind myself of it every day. What I do for a living isn’t my passion or my dream job, but it’s certainly fun and I enjoy it, which is probably the case for many of you. I promise, if you make this subtle--yet important--change to your vocabulary, you won’t find yourself stuck in that rut you often do.

I always believe in going the extra mile, so let’s not just stop at one word. Now, I want you to reconsider a phrase. A question, rather. You can still say it, but I want you to stop and really think about this question and what it means. I also came across this in that same book I referenced earlier.

Now, I want to conduct a thought experiment. Let’s go with a classic scenario.

You’re accompanying your partner to the office holiday party. You’re just there for support, and you don’t really know anyone.

Think of the first question someone asks you.

“Oh, hi (insert name). It’s nice to meet you. What do you do?”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you too, I’ve heard a lot about you. Good things, of course. To answer your question, I’m an architect and I’ve designed a lot of buildings in the area.”

Stop. Think about this exchange before reading on.

You’ve just established yourself as an architect. And nothing else.

That’s it. Architecture literally defines you. You eat, sleep, and breathe designing buildings. You really don’t do anything else.

Unless you really do, then this answer is perfectly acceptable. But I’m going to imagine that for 98 percent of you, your job isn’t all you do. At least I hope it’s not.

Before I stopped to really consider this question, I would have answered with this:

“I’m a production assistant at ESPN Radio. I basically help out with all of our shows and make sure the show staffs have everything they need to make the shows as good as they possibly can be.” (Obviously it’s more complicated than this, but I have to simplify it to make it more digestible for my audience)

Now, if someone were to ask me this question, I’ll answer with something like this:

“I do a lot of things, really. I exercise a few days a week and always make sure I’m staying active. I like going grocery shopping and cooking and eating that food because I find the whole experience very satisfying. I go on adventures in nature all of the time. I often find cool cafes and taverns and order a beverage and then read, write, or people-watch. I spend a huge chunk of my week at ESPN helping produce some radio shows. I communicate with my friends and family and I watch a lot of sports.

For the first answer, unless you’re a sports radio junkie, you’re probably going to respond with a generic follow-up question. I’ll answer it, and you’ll forget what I said five minutes later. Then I’ll do the same for you. We have now exchanged the pleasantries society expects from us, and we’ll go have an eerily similar conversation with another person.

But for the second answer, do you see how far I buried the part about ESPN? It’s because my job isn’t the bane of my existence. It doesn’t define me. If I could get paid for those activities before it, I’d leave ESPN in a heartbeat.

I think there’s so many directions our conversation can now take us. And it can become such a more meaningful and deliberate conversation. Maybe you’ll suggest a craft beer for me to try, and then we go off on a tangent about different beers and we hit it off. You never know.

To get happier and to live a meaningful life, the change starts with you and your mindset. I’ve always believed that if you don’t like the way something is going, it is completely within your power to change it. You can change the way you look at things. You can change how you think about the words you’re saying, or supposed to say. Ask yourself more questions and begin to question the standards and what’s “normal.” Only then will you discover more about who you truly are.

Diplomacy

A huge thank you to everyone who shared my letter last week and/or responded with some kind words.  If it inspired just one person to write another letter to the state of New York, then I know I did my job. If you haven't read that letter, here's the link: 

https://troyfarkas.blogspot.com/2018/05/a-letter_31.html

If you would like to write a letter of your own explaining why you think the state should deny parole to Dennis Drue, please contact me and I will tell you how to do so.


I loved U.S. history so much after high school that I stuck with it and declared it my major in college. As much as I loved learning about famous names, dates, and governmental policies, all of my favorite sub-topics centered on foreign relations. I love studying every war we've ever participated in, except for that dumb War of 1812 and whatever that Texas Revolution thing was.

I spent years reading answers to these questions: How/why did we overthrow the British tyranny? What drove the North and South to hate each other so much that it led to the near destruction of our young republic? Why did the U.S. wait so damn long before entering World War II? Why involve ourselves in Vietnam at all?

I think my love for this traces back to my childhood. In the post-9/11 world, I remember constantly asking my mom whether other countries were our "friends" or not. I quickly learned we did not like that man with the funny name, what was it--Osama bin Aladdin? And what about that Saddam guy?Why did both of these bad guys with bushy beards want to hurt us?

But it wasn't all bad--we had plenty of friends. I found it comforting the country with the cool maple leaf on its flag liked us. After seeing The Sound of Music, I never imagined Germany would be our friends. But they were! Really good friends, actually. How nice.

Like most kids, I saw things in black and white.

Like most kids, I've matured and forgotten those habits, and now the lines are blurred.

I know a lot of people. I went to a massive high school of 3000 students in upstate N.Y. I've held several jobs and internships and I've studied abroad and spent summers of my life at basketball camps (by the way, shout out to my former teammate Kevin Huerter, soon to be a first round NBA draft pick!) I graduated from a decently-sized state school. Now, I spend 45+ hours a week earning paychecks from a mammoth corporation.

I've got hundreds of numbers in my phone's contacts. Then there's the hundreds of social media friendships scattered throughout my Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat channels.

All throughout my years in school, I thought my social circle defined me. The number of people, and the type of people, I surrounded myself with somehow implied definitive conclusions about who I was.

Today, at 22 years of age, I know I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Over the past year, I've made a commitment to cut down significantly on the number of people I allow into my life. I'm gutting my friends and followers by the hundreds on social media, forgoing the endorphin-raising arms race to see who can get the most likes on any given post. I've cut down my communications with many people I once found myself close to. Not because I dislike them or they did anything to wrong me, but rather because I just don't benefit from having that relationship anymore.

At this point, I want to focus on the friendships that are mutually beneficial. I want to give in every relationship, with the hope--although not the expectation--that I receive in return.

Kind of like how the U.S. agrees to defend Saudi Arabia from attack in a war-torn Middle East, so that we can have access to their petroleum-rich fields that will later fuel our cars and homes.

The bottom-line is this: Every relationship in your inner circle should serve a purpose. If it doesn't, it's another anchor in your life weighing you down, bringing forth undeserved stress you consciously aren't aware of. You certainly should hold on to those friendships out of your primary focus, whether it's the old college buddy or the person from the local gym that you hang out with from time to time. Those are necessary as well, because not every relationship requires a deeper connection. But for those closest to you, the ones you want to stick around for a long time, you need to make a decision on the future of those relationships.

I know I'm really not in a position to give advice to anyone. I'm just 22, and it scares me how little I know about what I don't know. But I've learned you don't need to hold on to relationships that just don't have any oomph to them anymore. People change, and people move on. That's OK, it's a fact of life. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad friend if you choose to cut ties with someone. You're just looking out for yourself, and no one can fault you for that.

If you find yourself engaging in one-sided relationships, where you are giving more than you're getting, maybe it's time to sit down with that person and have a conversation with him/her and determine what your future relationship will look like. I currently find myself juggling a few relationships that I'm not sure if I should hold on to. Or maybe, I should just remember the good times, let go, and embrace better relationships. These are tough conversations to have with yourself and with other people, but they're incredibly necessary and important.

You deserve to surround yourself with individuals who will help you grow and develop into the person you strive to become. Maybe you and these friends do something together to get out of your comfort zones. Maybe you'll struggle through that hot yoga class you've always wanted to try. It will be one hour of sweat-induced hell, but you'll have fought through it together. Or you go to that Yelp-approved restaurant you've been dying to go to with someone, and that someone will sit there and savor every bite with you while enjoying a meaningful conversation (phones away, please).

You should learn from your friends, and they should learn from you. You should offer your love and support to them. Tell them you're proud of them. Tell them you appreciate their presence in your life. In your busy and chaotic life, make time for them. Show them they're a priority. Take them out for a cup of coffee or even better, a pint of Sam Adams. Spread the love to the people in your life who deserve it, and you'll get it right back. If you don't, then you need to reconsider that relationship and find the right people instead.

Now that I think about it, maybe our president should reconsider his upcoming meeting with a certain North Korean dictator...