Stay or Go?

I often speak to my fellow dreamers about all of the things we want to accomplish in life -- the paths we wish to explore, the lives we hope to live, and the places we dream of going to. Although the idyllic rags-to-riches American Dream is still deeply embedded within us, the Googles and Instagrams of the world constantly expose us to different lifestyles with their filtered photographs of ornate architecture and cloudless skylines and teeming nightlife in cities spanning the globe. They’re beckoning us to come explore them in ways once unimaginable to the generations that have preceded us. Us millennials increasingly dream of the ability to do whatever we want, whenever we want, which leads me to my fundamental problem.

I need your help.

I’m currently at ESPN Radio in Central Connecticut. My contract expires in February, meaning I’ll have no reason to remain in this area. I’ve never had a “dream job,” but I have long coveted the chance to play a role -- any role -- in the production of a sports documentary or a long-form feature. Many of the films are rooted in historical subject matter, which often requires hours upon hours of research in libraries and archives. Once the information is gathered, a narrative can then be crafted through one’s writing and storytelling skills.

In my time here, I’ve made a great deal of connections and earned some respect, so much so that I’m confident I might be able to land myself in a program that could serve as a launchpad to the long-form platform at ESPN, which I believe offers the best in the business. I'm emotionally shaken to the core every single time I view one of their pieces, and the thought of one day playing a role in something like that sends chills down my spine.

However, it could take 1-3 more years of 50 hour weeks and overnight shifts and sleepless nights and holiday shifts. It will deplete my precious resources of time and energy and not allow for the early-to-bed, early-to-rise life I find myself craving every day. It will require me to constantly tie myself to technology while sitting in a chair for nine hours a day, two behaviors that I cringe upon thinking of.

Is that really worth it?

Because another part of me wants to completely drop everything and start anew somewhere else. Seriously, just pick a point on the map and go there. I’ll find my footing and pay the bills in more creative ways. I’ll live a more intentional life with less clutter and fewer possession and fewer commitments and fewer toxic people around me. I’ll have more time and energy to pursue the activities I love doing, like reading and writing and having meaningful conversation over a beverage of my choice. My heart tells me this is the time in my life to take the money I’ve saved and go out and see the country/world, meet new people, and certainly put myself in a number of uncomfortable situation, which is where the most growth happens.

Sure, staying at ESPN provides security and finances and benefits while the alternative may not. But if I stay here and continue my inevitable work-a-holic ways, I’m afraid I’ll never leave. I’m insanely competitive, and knowing my insatiable desire to outdo others, I’ll climb the ladder and eventually arrive at a place where I could never justify turning down undeniable prestige and a sexy paycheck.

My greatest fear in life is looking back with regrets. If I stay, will I regret never having taken advantage of the period of my life where I have absolutely nothing tying me to a certain place? If I go, will I regret turning my back on a job that I fantasized about for years in college and over the past 18 months? My head has one answer, while my heart gives me another.

I don’t know what to do. What do you think?